Trauma is, by definition, an overwhelming experience: the stimulus of the traumatic event exceeds the capacity of the brain and nervous system to process it in the usual way.

Neglect, on the other hand, corresponds to a set of missing essential experiences, the absence of which can compromise or threaten well-being and even life itself.

Both have a profound impact on our nervous system and body, hindering our ability to regulate ourselves and leaving an imprint on virtually every aspect of our functioning.

Neglect dates back to the very beginning of our lives with a deep sense of being abandoned, unattached, detached. Like an astronaut without a tether, floating alone in space.

Neglect is the story of what is missing, of what did not happen.

Attachment to our caregiver is vital; it is a matter of survival. We need attachment just as we need oxygen, food, warmth, shelter, and protection. And the failure of this, the withdrawal, the absence, the loss of the other, the loss of this bond is experienced by the infant as a threat to its life. Thus, the experience of not being attached is an experience of “mortal terror”.

At the heart of the trauma of neglect lies what is known as the “unsolvable dilemma”. This is a concept that takes us back to early childhood, when the child craves closeness with another person, a loved one, but that other person is absent, unreliable, withdrawn, unpredictable, or not there. This is a deadly “source of terror” for a newborn. And in this case, the source of terror and secure closeness is represented by the same person.

So this unsolvable dilemma is that the child both desires to be loved and to be close, but is also terrified of needing that person; they will then repress their need and develop a kind of unfailing self-sufficiency.

Learn to listen and decode the “nothing” in your clients’ stories.